Monkey House
by Sly Severus
Summary: Since the war Lucius has been forced to deal with many changes, including some of his son's more unorthodox choices, but when he comes home to find his family has adopted a new pet he fears his patience just might run out.


As he passed the gate protecting his home from the outside world, Lucius Malfoy rubbed his temples, trying to push a persistent headache away. His eyelids felt heavy. He'd had a long day and wanted nothing more than to settle in his favorite chair with a large glass of Firewhisky.

When he stepped into the house, he was greeted by an unexpected silence. These days peace in his home was a rare commodity. He smiled as he headed for the setting room and his bar. This day was starting to look up, after all.

Stepping into the setting room, he realized he was wrong. This day wasn't looking up at all. Still standing in the doorway, he simply stared. He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to make the offensive creature disappear, but when he looked back the beast was still there.

"Narcissa," he called, trying to keep his voice calm.

His wife joined him, kissing him quickly before realizing that something was wrong. She followed his gaze to his favorite chair and then looked back to him, offering no explanation.

"Dear, why is there a filthy monkey on my chair?" he asked when he finally concluded that she wasn't going to explain without prodding.

"It's a chimpanzee," she replied smiling at the life form. "Her name is Tutu. Isn't she cute?"

He stared at her, searching for some sign that she was playing with him, but her expression was placid and sincere. She genuinely seemed fond of the furry abomination occupying his chair.

"That _thing_ has a name?" he asked. "Tell me that doesn't mean you invited that monstrosity into our home?"

"Well, of course I let her in," Narcissa replied, looking at him like he was the nutter in this conversation. "She's a pet, Lucius. She lives in the house."

"Why would you want a monkey?' he demanded. "We already have two living upstairs. Don't you think three is a little excessive?"

"Lucius, that's awful," she scolded. "Calling our son a monkey; you're always so hard on poor Draco."

"If I have to tolerate my twenty-four year old son living in my house with his male lover, I should, at least, be allowed to complain about it. It's not my fault neither of them can hold a job."

"It's my house, too," she said with a hint of warning.

"I'm well-aware," he replied. "Otherwise those two would've been out of here months ago, and that thing," he pointed to the monster, which was now gnawing on the arm of his chair, "would've met with the Killing Curse."

Narcissa laughed and pulled him into a hug. "You don't mean that. You'd never throw Draco out, no matter how often you threaten to. And how could you even think of hurting that little chimp? He's so adorable."

Glaring, Lucius said nothing. She was right about Draco. But the monkey, that was an entirely different matter. What could his wife possibly see in that smelly, tick-inflicted horror?

"Draco even taught Tutu some basic spells." She sounded proud, but rather the pride was directed at their son or the chimp he couldn't be sure.

"Brilliant," he muttered. "So now it's as intelligent as his boyfriend."

"Lucius." She sighed in frustration.

"Where did you get that disease ridden atrocity anyway?" he asked, watching as the monkey named Tutu pounded his chest and danced on his chair.

Again, Narcissa laughed at him as she brushed her hand against his arm. At least, she was enjoying herself and all it took was a bloody monkey. Maybe she'd like an elephant for her birthday. With three monkeys and a flock of peacocks, they might as well go all out and make the place an official zoo.

"Do you really think I'd go out and get a chimpanzee?" she asked. "I can honestly say that thought has never occurred to me. Even if I wanted to acquire a monkey, I wouldn't know the first place to look for one."

"Yet there's one pounding its dirty little fists against my chair," Lucius replied drily, still eyeing Tutu with distain.

"The boys brought her home this morning."

He sighed, rubbing his temples again. Of course, they did. They couldn't be bothered to work, but they had ample ability to procure a monkey, and then they somehow convinced his normally sensible wife that she wanted the animal in her home. But to what purpose? Simply to drive him insane? They hardly needed a primate for that; they were doing a wonderful job on their own.

"Draco," he bellowed.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Lucius," Narcissa chastised. The monkey screeched in the background, adding her disapproval. "Draco's not deaf. You scared Tutu."

"What a tragedy," he muttered.

Before Narcissa had a chance to scold him further Draco wandered into the room, rubbing his eyes as if he'd just woken up. Clearly, his son had a hard day, too. The Potter brat was right behind him, as always. Lucius couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen his son without Potter attached.

"Yes, Father?" Draco asked with a yawn.

Tutu let out another squeal and came running across the room. The fury menace leapt into Potter's arms, wrapping its arms around the boy's neck. Sadly, it wasn't trying to strangle him. Apparently, Tutu favored Potter. Why didn't that surprise him? At least, the cretin was off his chair.

"Explain." He pointed to the fiend.

"That's Tutu," Draco said simply. "Harry and I got her as a pet."

"Explain better." He glared. "Did I pay for that thing?"

"No," Potter spoke up. "She was a gift. George Weasley got her for the store, you know to bring in customers, but she kept eating those sweets that make you sick. She was puking on the customers and he just couldn't keep her out of the sweets. So he asked us if we wanted to take her."

"Oh, so there's a Weasley tangled up in this, too." He glowered. "I should've guessed. Why didn't Arthur take it then? He's so fond of idiotic, useless things."

"Mrs. Weasley wouldn't let him." Potter admitted.

"Finally someone with some sense."

Lucius fell into his chair before the monkey could steal it again. He'd probably get fleas, but at that moment, he really didn't care. He buried his head in his hands.

"We can keep her, can't we, Father? She's really very smart. Harry taught her to fetch things around the house. She can do a little magic, too. She's quite helpful."

"That's what _Accio_ is for," Lucius grumbled.

He looked to Narcissa, who was still standing in the doorway, watching him with the same hopeful expression as dumb and dumber. Why did she have to do that? It was utterly unfair. He could deny her nothing and she knew it. So she asked for a bloody monkey.

"You'd be upset if I killed this thing or transfigured it into a tea cosy?" he asked her.

"Of course, I would." She looked shocked at the suggestion. "Tutu's darling."

"You'd also be upset if I made these two gits take it back to George Weasley?"

"Yes," she replied, crossing her arms. "The boys love Tutu, and I think she's sweet. I want her to stay, Lucius."

Sighing, Lucius shook his head. "Then it would appear that we're now the owners of a bloody monkey."

"Chimpanzee," Narcissa corrected with a smile.

Lucius shot her a nasty look just as Tutu jumped from Potter's arms and rushed towards him. As if it somehow knew it had been reluctantly accepted, the thing jumped into Lucius' lap, wrapping its arms around his neck just like it had done to Potter.

"Draco, get this thing off me or I'll Apparate it to Siberia," he snarled, pushing at the smelling thing that clung to him.

"Tutu, here," Draco said simply, and the thing bolted into his arms. At least, it was well-trained, better than the boyfriend.

Wisely, Draco and Potter headed upstairs with their monkey. Lucius wasn't sad to see any of them go. He didn't even have the energy to get up for his Firewhisky. Closing his eyes, he tried to relax.

Narcissa settled into his arms where Tutu had been just moments before. Her body was far more welcome. As she brushed her lips against his, he opened his eyes and smiled.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he replied. "Why else would I agree to live with three monkeys?"

"Oh, Lucius," she sighed, burying her head in his chest.


End file.
